Forgivness....

This was a long time coming. I was hiding from the reality that I needed to forgive. I didn't know until now that I need this.

I realized yesterday as I took a much needed mommy outing that I needed to forgive God. Something I did when I went through counseling after the PC was to forgive God for allowing things into my life. I believe that God is in control, sovereign and that all things go through him. This can also cause someone, like myself, to blame God and be mad that he allows pain, struggle and heartache into my life.

I had forgiven God for the PC & many other things in my life. But after 15 months I had not forgiven him for allowing me to have a c-section with Elaina.

I knew (and so did everyone else on my delivery team) that I would not have been able to deliver E with out a c-section. I can tell you that it was God's hand protecting she and I. That he knew exactly what he was doing. I believe that 100%!

But...a huge part  of me felt like God let me down. And yesterday I realized this. I felt like after all my hard work, planning and prepping that things should have been different. I should of had a natural birth. Even if, in the end I needed drugs...

Yesterday, I realized that I still blamed God and while I knew the c-section was what needed to happen, I felt betrayed.  I know God doesn't owe me anything; I have more blessings, than I can even think to thank him for. Yet, I still act entitled or let down when he doesn't do it my way!

Parenting, FROM DAY ONE, been calling me into deeper surrender of control!

I came home from my outing and shared that I needed to have a family meeting. Over dinner I told Chris and Elaina that I forgive God. That I struggle so much with control and I am working on giving that up. I kissed my sweet baby and hugged Chris. Chris told me that he is proud of me. And he was sorry that this part of my life has been such a difficult thing for me.

It was healing; good to share and confess.

Strong Willed Children.....

Today at the grocery store Elaina was walking around; she loves to walk and when we are not in a rush I like to let her expend some energy! We had spent a long time at the shopping center, we ate lunch, walked around and strolled over to a few other stores. She kept wanting to go back inside one particular store, I knew she was getting tired, so we needed to go. I kept helping her turn the right direction and encouraged her to come "my way". She got a bit fussy and sat down, started crying a bit. A older woman (60's/70's) passed me and said "looks like a strong-willed (SW) little girl". I didn't even look at her and just picked Elaina up.

First off, I am probably reading into her comment (as pointed out by my sister, Sarah).
None the less, when she made the comment it seemed as though she was saying that kind of trait  was a bad trait for her to have. That me as a mother, "better tame that kind of behavior".

Personally, I think being SW is an amazing trait to have and should be accepted and encouraged. Having a strong sense of self, a strong desire for something and drive, in general, is something I think many people are lacking. 

As a mom I hope to encourage any character trait that my child has (her personality) to be glorifying to God, first.  Obviously, there are traits that are not Godly and I will be training (it takes time) each child in Godly characteristics. If God has made E to be SW, then I hope to encourage her behavior to first, glorify him, love others and use it to grow his Kingdom. How many people in the bible do you think were SW? Probably many of the leaders and disciples. They needed a goal and mission. Leaders need to have a strong yes and no; this comes with training (which takes time) children at a young age when and where to use those, yes's and no's.

I wont be using the term SW with Elaina, to me, it has negative connotation. I will be working to say things like "I know your passionate about such and such, can you please....." Validating feelings and trying to understand her frustration when she doesn't get what she may want. I want to create emotional safety with my kids.

I felt like this lady's comment was directed at my parenting. Which I'm sure most moms would be defensive about, its a very personal thing.

I knew it would be hard, but I was not expecting a 60 year old lady to be, probably the first, to make me feel this way.

A couple things to think about:

~Sometimes kids are irritable, sad, grumpy, etc because they are tired, hungry or bored. As a parent think about what time of day you are taking them out. Have they eaten? Have they had a good nap. Help make each time out a success for  you and your child. You wont get upset, or frustrated and you will enjoy your outing more.

~Kids capacity for shopping and grocery store runs, are limited. Bring activities, snack and things to occupy them. Keep away from things you know they may want and could cause them to become upset over...i.e. toy aisle.

~Its not a sin, or "bad" if your child is outgoing or excited. Sometime we may think their personality, which may be different than our or cause others to look, is bad. Try and think about what is sinful/"bad" behavior and what is just "who they are"! Help them, by daily training, on what you expect.

~Lastly, this all takes time. Elaina is ONE YEARS OLD! We will be helping her for many years to come. Find a close group of people who support your families direction and goals and stick close. Out close friends know what we believe and what we want for our family. I have found that having friends who are not in line with us or don't support us causes me stress and I feel judged (whether the judgment is there or not). Its okay to not talk about certain topics with particular friend. Choose what your comfortable sharing and not sharing.


 I'm a bit scared, this is just the start of this parenting journey. Hoping I can be gracious and loving, softening the blows of the righteous (probably not on purpose) parents in the world.

Refining Fire

We are experiencing yet another summer with wild fires in Colorado Springs.

We have our dear friends here, their 4 beautiful children, 5 chickens, 1 salamander, and 1 dog. Our friends, Dawn and Bill live in a beautiful home on 5 acres in Black Forest. They have been wonderful, encouraging friends to us and we are so thankful that we can support them during this time.

  

Pine Hill Farm: Bill & Dawn's Home

As I have been praying, crying and working to keep a strong faith in God's glory and his peoples good; God keeps telling me that this, for me, is the refining fire.

My foundation is being tested, and he is making me stronger, more solid! The refiners fire is what God spoke to me this morning. I hate it, yet I love it! I'm so thankful God works on me, that he is patient while I grow.While I learn to walk more a closely, more in tune with his love and care for me.

"God sent the message through the prophet Zechariah that He
would "refine them like silver and test them like gold" (13:9). That is painful,
but look at the promise: "They will call on my name and I will answer them; I
will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.'" The
blessing will be ours." ~God is Love Blog

worship for your day

I was just introduced to Kim Walker Smith and been so blessed. She has an anointing and true gift from God. My mentor shared this CD with me a few weeks ago and it plays all day.

Chris and I were struggling with Elaina one night and helping her get to sleep. Chris and I were a little frustrated with each other and the song 'the king is here' was on. I kept hearing the lyrics throughout our ordeal and it was a neat reminder that God was here, he would help us and more importantly, I wanted to honor Chris and work as a team to bring God glory in our parenting and marriage.

Be blessed!


The King is here, the King is here
You're alive inside of me
The King is here, the King is here
Love will never ever leave

We worship and we praise
We lift Your holy name
We rejoice for our King is here
We're living to proclaim
You've opened Heaven's gates
We rejoice for our King is here

You are here, You are here
You come in power and majesty
God, You are here, You are here
Every heart has been set free....

City of Gods Delight

Long ago (4 years ago) Chris and I spent time praying over our family and what God may have as our family scripture. We felt God remding us, specifically me that our marriage and our new famliy was just that, new! God was pleased with us and that we could step into a new life, new love and new family, through marriage. I struggled with feelings that I may be carrying over fears from my family (behaviors, ideas, depression, the list goes on) in my new marraige if I was not intentional about starting new.

The scripture we had been 'given' as our family verse was Pslam 62:4: Never again will you be called "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land." Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God," for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

As we have been married I have continually felt and seen God's delight over us. I came from some desolate places in my family growing up. I have been reminded many times that God is making me, through my marriage to Chris and our family, new.

Interestingly enough, Paris, where we got pregnant with Roo is often called La Ville-Lumiére: The City of Light- I never knew this till now. We picked E's name bc of the meaning: light & bc it was French. God is sneaky, isnt he. Light is weaved through our story.

He even weaved our family verse into our child. I imagine him smiling right now. I truly believe he is happy with me, pleased with me. Something I didnt always feel (growing up) from my earthly father.

Through his son, Jesus, my marriage to Chris and now my sweet, Heart, I am seeing even more of God's delight and joy over me.

1 year

I am honestly so emotional today. What mother wouldnt be? My baby is one!

This past year had too many emotions to name and so many memories that instagram will never capture.

I am thankful for many sleepless nights, boogie noses and the chance to hold my baby every day.

We are blessed.

Today I think about the years to come. The responsiblity that God has given me and Chris and what A HUGE gift E is to us.

I am tearful because today I look at myself and think how much better I need to be. How much I need to grow. I feel so inadequate. I feel so unprepared for the road ahead.

I felt this way one year ago as I held a 7 hour old baby- but something about that time seemed easier.
I needed to feed her, I needed to change her diaper and make sure she was warm. Her character was not really something I was concerned with at a few hours old.

I have to live a life that reflect strong moral character, love for God and kindness to others (the list goes on as I am sure you know!). The fruits of the spirit. YIKES!

I feel so inadequate.

Today I just need Jesus and his loving kidness to wash over me and remind me that just like I will guide E, God will guide me. Funny how what I feel for Elaina, God feels for me, except a MILLIONS times more.

Because of Jesus I am off the hook. I will choose to seek God on how to raise E. I pray his grace covers all my mistakes and that through our love for her, she chooses him. This next year seems more important than the last, spiritually.

I know one proactive thing I can do for both she and I: PRAY! All we can do is pray. Pray circle around our babies all day, all night. Its about leaning in. Getting closer. Going deeper.

I leave myself (and you) with this quote:
Prayer turns ordinary parents into prophets who shape the desinies of their children, grandchildren and every generation that follows ~Mark Batterson

beautiful

As I reflect on my last 12 months I cant help but think about the 9 before that. I loved being pregnant. I loved that my body did what it needed to (gainging weight & growing sweet Roo). I never felt more pretty; my body was doing what it was designed to do.

For many women it can seem like you're always (at least me) trying to eat better, tone up, lose weight, get heathy. When I was pregnant I was not so focused on the losing part. I was excited to eat well and let my body do its magic. I felt so free. I was able to losen up and relax. I gained 30 lbs and while I marveled at the scale I was proud that I was able to accept and be excited for that gain. It was for such a great reason.

There are times I wish I was pregnant again so that I would have an excuse for a little tummy (not perfectly toned) or a few extra lbs (not to make excuses). A reason to not be so harsh. A littel breathing room. Pregnancy didnt give me a license to be mindless and neglectful of my body but a chance to accept how strong and good my body is. I never had that Taco Bell Amy wanted me to have!

I know its a never ending battle for some women, and it may always be a struggle for me. Hoping I can learn to accept the wonder I am.