today.

 This precious smile has been what has helped me these past few days. I have been  (deathly) sick. And usually when I am sick I am emotional and very extreme in my "diagnosis". I wrote a "will" for myself, something we as a couple have yet to do. I guess writing a will seems so morbid, I am not ready for that. When I got  sick  (amidst the foggy head ache and crampy stomach) I realized (not for the first time) that I have many things I want my husband, E and my family to know. 
What do I care about that  I want my Hearts to know.
What would I want my little Heart to know about  her mama.
I want to tell my husband that he has given me more than I could have ever asked for ( I tell him often!). We live a beautiful life!
I wrote what curriculum I want my sister to teach E for home-school.

Lets just say, my husband is one heck of a guy for putting up with tearful, frantic typing at 11pm on a Monday night.
I am doing much better. I laughed amongst the stomach bug and severe headache and thankfully, my sweet Heart, is a calm & laid back. We did lots of reading and listening to music. I realized that I am not in control (ah, not a surprise for this lady!).


I am sure each of us realizes we have much to loose.

For  me I fear loosing E's innocents. I have worked hard, and continue to, try and keep trauma out of her life. I want her to always have a mommy and daddy. I cant imagine those who loose a parent at a young age.

I want to be there for the moments that I have imagined I would experience along side her. Cooking, her first sentence, seeing her play with all her cousins on Christmas morning, getting a dog, many more things I have hoped to be a part of.

I am so thankful for today. That is something being sick helps you realize.

I know that my deepest hearts desire is that E loves Jesus, that she chooses to follow him and  will walk with him to bring his kingdom to a broken world.

That is what I want.

And that means I choose to trust in the way that God chooses to bring that prayer about.

I hope I am around for the journey.


A few more pictures from our sick week.....

E got vanilla ice cream from Glacier one day, I couldn't eat any, so she did for me.

 We got plenty of fresh air

blessings

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. O God, the triune, God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still. Begin in mercy a new work of live within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from the misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen. A.W. Tozer

To say the last weeks have been rough would be a major understatement. We had a leak a few months back and finally had the company scheduled to come out and start the renovation and installment of floors in our home.

We had a hardwood flooring guy and tile company come out and sadly we will have to have our hardwood floors redone. Long story...for another day.

I remember when the leak from our fridge happened and we filed a claim with insurance; I was praying that God would use this for his glory and bring unseen blessings from it.

What I really meant was earthly blessings; new tile, new floors, upgrades, etc. Selfish, right!

Little did I know that this would be the most challenging season thus far in parenting and marriage. The flooring company really stressed me out, which in turn, made me stressed as a mommy and wife. I was on edge with Chris and felt exhausted with Elaina. Nothing they did, it all had to do with how I responded to the situation and let the little things control me, while I tried to control them!

I think sometimes as believers we want to experience the blessings from God in the earthly sense- more money, nicer things,  better job promotion, more friends, the list goes on. I don't usually (what I realized) ask God for spiritual blessings; a greater love for people, more patience, a heavenly perspective on my circumstances,  a servant heart (that's joyful!).

During this past week God really challenged me to see that through this process I can grow in my spirit by trusting the earthly things to him and seeing how even struggles; bad flooring company, 4 days in a horrible hotel, stress from Elaina not sleeping well, Chris and I on edge,  needing to be in control, can bring a greater depth to my heart and relationship with Jesus. It makes me rely on him more.

I know that God wants to bless me. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, he wants those blessings to be my heart knowing him more and becoming more like Christ. The earthly blessings are just a huge bonus and a way to trust him more! When we struggle its a chance to grow our hearts and becoming more heavenly/kingdom focused. We can use those times to become more attuned to Christ and his work. I don't want the good earthly blessings to cloud the opportunity for spiritual blessings, even if those blessings come through struggle. Usually I want spiritual blessings that come from joy and happiness!

Follow the leader

This week I asked God to let me join him in seeing Elaina into the life and plan he has for her.
I know as her mom I struggle with my hopes, dreams and desires for her.
God has a much better, mind blowing mission for her and I want to follow him, as he leads me, to lead her!

Something I learned from the PC (plane crash) was, God knows everything and although I only see a small portion he sees the whole. Glory, Hallelujah!

I see characteristics, personality traits, likes/dislikes in E and I also have my own ideas of how to raise her to have a heart for Jesus, His world and people.

God knows better!

My prayer today and for our  future as her parents is: "Let me love you first (pursue my walk with you intently), help me listen to how you want us to raise (address moment to moment issues) E. I will step out of the way and let you do your work in her life. May I not be a hindrance to her by doing what I think is best. I will follow your lead in parenting her. THANKS FOR GRACE. Help me stay humble.