Forgivness....

This was a long time coming. I was hiding from the reality that I needed to forgive. I didn't know until now that I need this.

I realized yesterday as I took a much needed mommy outing that I needed to forgive God. Something I did when I went through counseling after the PC was to forgive God for allowing things into my life. I believe that God is in control, sovereign and that all things go through him. This can also cause someone, like myself, to blame God and be mad that he allows pain, struggle and heartache into my life.

I had forgiven God for the PC & many other things in my life. But after 15 months I had not forgiven him for allowing me to have a c-section with Elaina.

I knew (and so did everyone else on my delivery team) that I would not have been able to deliver E with out a c-section. I can tell you that it was God's hand protecting she and I. That he knew exactly what he was doing. I believe that 100%!

But...a huge part  of me felt like God let me down. And yesterday I realized this. I felt like after all my hard work, planning and prepping that things should have been different. I should of had a natural birth. Even if, in the end I needed drugs...

Yesterday, I realized that I still blamed God and while I knew the c-section was what needed to happen, I felt betrayed.  I know God doesn't owe me anything; I have more blessings, than I can even think to thank him for. Yet, I still act entitled or let down when he doesn't do it my way!

Parenting, FROM DAY ONE, been calling me into deeper surrender of control!

I came home from my outing and shared that I needed to have a family meeting. Over dinner I told Chris and Elaina that I forgive God. That I struggle so much with control and I am working on giving that up. I kissed my sweet baby and hugged Chris. Chris told me that he is proud of me. And he was sorry that this part of my life has been such a difficult thing for me.

It was healing; good to share and confess.