today.

 This precious smile has been what has helped me these past few days. I have been  (deathly) sick. And usually when I am sick I am emotional and very extreme in my "diagnosis". I wrote a "will" for myself, something we as a couple have yet to do. I guess writing a will seems so morbid, I am not ready for that. When I got  sick  (amidst the foggy head ache and crampy stomach) I realized (not for the first time) that I have many things I want my husband, E and my family to know. 
What do I care about that  I want my Hearts to know.
What would I want my little Heart to know about  her mama.
I want to tell my husband that he has given me more than I could have ever asked for ( I tell him often!). We live a beautiful life!
I wrote what curriculum I want my sister to teach E for home-school.

Lets just say, my husband is one heck of a guy for putting up with tearful, frantic typing at 11pm on a Monday night.
I am doing much better. I laughed amongst the stomach bug and severe headache and thankfully, my sweet Heart, is a calm & laid back. We did lots of reading and listening to music. I realized that I am not in control (ah, not a surprise for this lady!).


I am sure each of us realizes we have much to loose.

For  me I fear loosing E's innocents. I have worked hard, and continue to, try and keep trauma out of her life. I want her to always have a mommy and daddy. I cant imagine those who loose a parent at a young age.

I want to be there for the moments that I have imagined I would experience along side her. Cooking, her first sentence, seeing her play with all her cousins on Christmas morning, getting a dog, many more things I have hoped to be a part of.

I am so thankful for today. That is something being sick helps you realize.

I know that my deepest hearts desire is that E loves Jesus, that she chooses to follow him and  will walk with him to bring his kingdom to a broken world.

That is what I want.

And that means I choose to trust in the way that God chooses to bring that prayer about.

I hope I am around for the journey.


A few more pictures from our sick week.....

E got vanilla ice cream from Glacier one day, I couldn't eat any, so she did for me.

 We got plenty of fresh air