This was a long time coming. I was hiding from the reality that I needed to forgive. I didn't know until now that I need this.
I realized yesterday as I took a much needed mommy outing that I needed to forgive God. Something I did when I went through counseling after the PC was to forgive God for allowing things into my life. I believe that God is in control, sovereign and that all things go through him. This can also cause someone, like myself, to blame God and be mad that he allows pain, struggle and heartache into my life.
I had forgiven God for the PC & many other things in my life. But after 15 months I had not forgiven him for allowing me to have a c-section with Elaina.
I knew (and so did everyone else on my delivery team) that I would not have been able to deliver E with out a c-section. I can tell you that it was God's hand protecting she and I. That he knew exactly what he was doing. I believe that 100%!
But...a huge part of me felt like God let me down. And yesterday I realized this. I felt like after all my hard work, planning and prepping that things should have been different. I should of had a natural birth. Even if, in the end I needed drugs...
Yesterday, I realized that I still blamed God and while I knew the c-section was what needed to happen, I felt betrayed. I know God doesn't owe me anything; I have more blessings, than I can even think to thank him for. Yet, I still act entitled or let down when he doesn't do it my way!
Parenting, FROM DAY ONE, been calling me into deeper surrender of control!
I came home from my outing and shared that I needed to have a family meeting. Over dinner I told Chris and Elaina that I forgive God. That I struggle so much with control and I am working on giving that up. I kissed my sweet baby and hugged Chris. Chris told me that he is proud of me. And he was sorry that this part of my life has been such a difficult thing for me.
It was healing; good to share and confess.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Strong Willed Children.....
Today at the grocery store Elaina was walking around; she loves to walk and when we are not in a rush I like to let her expend some energy! We had spent a long time at the shopping center, we ate lunch, walked around and strolled over to a few other stores. She kept wanting to go back inside one particular store, I knew she was getting tired, so we needed to go. I kept helping her turn the right direction and encouraged her to come "my way". She got a bit fussy and sat down, started crying a bit. A older woman (60's/70's) passed me and said "looks like a strong-willed (SW) little girl". I didn't even look at her and just picked Elaina up.
First off, I am probably reading into her comment (as pointed out by my sister, Sarah).
None the less, when she made the comment it seemed as though she was saying that kind of trait was a bad trait for her to have. That me as a mother, "better tame that kind of behavior".
Personally, I think being SW is an amazing trait to have and should be accepted and encouraged. Having a strong sense of self, a strong desire for something and drive, in general, is something I think many people are lacking.
As a mom I hope to encourage any character trait that my child has (her personality) to be glorifying to God, first. Obviously, there are traits that are not Godly and I will be training (it takes time) each child in Godly characteristics. If God has made E to be SW, then I hope to encourage her behavior to first, glorify him, love others and use it to grow his Kingdom. How many people in the bible do you think were SW? Probably many of the leaders and disciples. They needed a goal and mission. Leaders need to have a strong yes and no; this comes with training (which takes time) children at a young age when and where to use those, yes's and no's.
I wont be using the term SW with Elaina, to me, it has negative connotation. I will be working to say things like "I know your passionate about such and such, can you please....." Validating feelings and trying to understand her frustration when she doesn't get what she may want. I want to create emotional safety with my kids.
I felt like this lady's comment was directed at my parenting. Which I'm sure most moms would be defensive about, its a very personal thing.
I knew it would be hard, but I was not expecting a 60 year old lady to be, probably the first, to make me feel this way.
A couple things to think about:
~Sometimes kids are irritable, sad, grumpy, etc because they are tired, hungry or bored. As a parent think about what time of day you are taking them out. Have they eaten? Have they had a good nap. Help make each time out a success for you and your child. You wont get upset, or frustrated and you will enjoy your outing more.
~Kids capacity for shopping and grocery store runs, are limited. Bring activities, snack and things to occupy them. Keep away from things you know they may want and could cause them to become upset over...i.e. toy aisle.
~Its not a sin, or "bad" if your child is outgoing or excited. Sometime we may think their personality, which may be different than our or cause others to look, is bad. Try and think about what is sinful/"bad" behavior and what is just "who they are"! Help them, by daily training, on what you expect.
~Lastly, this all takes time. Elaina is ONE YEARS OLD! We will be helping her for many years to come. Find a close group of people who support your families direction and goals and stick close. Out close friends know what we believe and what we want for our family. I have found that having friends who are not in line with us or don't support us causes me stress and I feel judged (whether the judgment is there or not). Its okay to not talk about certain topics with particular friend. Choose what your comfortable sharing and not sharing.
I'm a bit scared, this is just the start of this parenting journey. Hoping I can be gracious and loving, softening the blows of the righteous (probably not on purpose) parents in the world.
First off, I am probably reading into her comment (as pointed out by my sister, Sarah).
None the less, when she made the comment it seemed as though she was saying that kind of trait was a bad trait for her to have. That me as a mother, "better tame that kind of behavior".
Personally, I think being SW is an amazing trait to have and should be accepted and encouraged. Having a strong sense of self, a strong desire for something and drive, in general, is something I think many people are lacking.
As a mom I hope to encourage any character trait that my child has (her personality) to be glorifying to God, first. Obviously, there are traits that are not Godly and I will be training (it takes time) each child in Godly characteristics. If God has made E to be SW, then I hope to encourage her behavior to first, glorify him, love others and use it to grow his Kingdom. How many people in the bible do you think were SW? Probably many of the leaders and disciples. They needed a goal and mission. Leaders need to have a strong yes and no; this comes with training (which takes time) children at a young age when and where to use those, yes's and no's.
I wont be using the term SW with Elaina, to me, it has negative connotation. I will be working to say things like "I know your passionate about such and such, can you please....." Validating feelings and trying to understand her frustration when she doesn't get what she may want. I want to create emotional safety with my kids.
I felt like this lady's comment was directed at my parenting. Which I'm sure most moms would be defensive about, its a very personal thing.
I knew it would be hard, but I was not expecting a 60 year old lady to be, probably the first, to make me feel this way.
A couple things to think about:
~Sometimes kids are irritable, sad, grumpy, etc because they are tired, hungry or bored. As a parent think about what time of day you are taking them out. Have they eaten? Have they had a good nap. Help make each time out a success for you and your child. You wont get upset, or frustrated and you will enjoy your outing more.
~Kids capacity for shopping and grocery store runs, are limited. Bring activities, snack and things to occupy them. Keep away from things you know they may want and could cause them to become upset over...i.e. toy aisle.
~Its not a sin, or "bad" if your child is outgoing or excited. Sometime we may think their personality, which may be different than our or cause others to look, is bad. Try and think about what is sinful/"bad" behavior and what is just "who they are"! Help them, by daily training, on what you expect.
~Lastly, this all takes time. Elaina is ONE YEARS OLD! We will be helping her for many years to come. Find a close group of people who support your families direction and goals and stick close. Out close friends know what we believe and what we want for our family. I have found that having friends who are not in line with us or don't support us causes me stress and I feel judged (whether the judgment is there or not). Its okay to not talk about certain topics with particular friend. Choose what your comfortable sharing and not sharing.
I'm a bit scared, this is just the start of this parenting journey. Hoping I can be gracious and loving, softening the blows of the righteous (probably not on purpose) parents in the world.
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