faithful now.

About 10 years ago I came through a very dark, lonely, depressed season. I had been in a relationship that was life sucking and honestly, sinful.

I chose to turn to God and live His way!

Coming up from the darkness I experienced such drastic life, hope and grace. It was an emotional time for  me and rightly so, I was truly living again. I was not bound to lies, manipulation and depression.

Lately I have been struggling because  life has been mundane. I am wanting an emotional experience to make me feel close to God (can you say 'lie from satan'?). So, last night I picked up the book I had read 10 years ago that was helpful in renewing my spirit & walk with God. Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. As I picked up this book yesterday I was hoping that as I started I would feel some sense of renewing & excitement. I didnt feel anything and clear as day felt God say to me "why do you think that you will ever have that experience ( from 10 years ago) again? Why do you want to 'relive' those moments? You are not there, or even close to that place, you cant go back.....you are light years ahead!".

I was convicted about the fact that I wanted to replay, redo or reenact that amazing experience but that I never could. God has done so many (too many to count) things in my life, heart and relationship with him that going back would take me from real solid food to baby purees. YUCK!

I know God is moving. In my life. In my family. I am on board. I am here, joining him, daily. I love him. I want to serve him. I want to do his work! I just have to realize and change my mindset that God is doing a new thing, the old has gone! I need to stop looking at what used to work, or what once filled my spirit. God is working and filling me in new ways, in ways that fill me and grow me as Karin today, not Karin 10 years ago.

My prayer is that I spend time with God in the ways he wants me to. Ways that, in this moment of my life, he sees best. Reading scripture, listening to worship music, doing a bible study, sharing the gospel, being in a moms group, are all things I believe in and care about. But God in this season with my tiny one is not calling me to do it all. And our relationship, certainly, is not based on emotional feelings.

Its when life seems mundane that I start to feel insecure. Is what I am doing matter? Is my relationships with God really growing if I am not seeing fruit 'like I used to'? Going back to the former things (that worked and grew me) wont spark anything in my spirit if God is not willing it. I want to see fruit so badly. As a believer seeing growth and being part of God's work is life giving, it brings joy and excitement.

As I laid in bed and shared with my mentor God gently said.....
'Ah, Karin! Welcome to the season of sowing!'....be faithful in this. This is what I have for you, now.