City of Gods Delight

Long ago (4 years ago) Chris and I spent time praying over our family and what God may have as our family scripture. We felt God remding us, specifically me that our marriage and our new famliy was just that, new! God was pleased with us and that we could step into a new life, new love and new family, through marriage. I struggled with feelings that I may be carrying over fears from my family (behaviors, ideas, depression, the list goes on) in my new marraige if I was not intentional about starting new.

The scripture we had been 'given' as our family verse was Pslam 62:4: Never again will you be called "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land." Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God," for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

As we have been married I have continually felt and seen God's delight over us. I came from some desolate places in my family growing up. I have been reminded many times that God is making me, through my marriage to Chris and our family, new.

Interestingly enough, Paris, where we got pregnant with Roo is often called La Ville-Lumiére: The City of Light- I never knew this till now. We picked E's name bc of the meaning: light & bc it was French. God is sneaky, isnt he. Light is weaved through our story.

He even weaved our family verse into our child. I imagine him smiling right now. I truly believe he is happy with me, pleased with me. Something I didnt always feel (growing up) from my earthly father.

Through his son, Jesus, my marriage to Chris and now my sweet, Heart, I am seeing even more of God's delight and joy over me.

1 year

I am honestly so emotional today. What mother wouldnt be? My baby is one!

This past year had too many emotions to name and so many memories that instagram will never capture.

I am thankful for many sleepless nights, boogie noses and the chance to hold my baby every day.

We are blessed.

Today I think about the years to come. The responsiblity that God has given me and Chris and what A HUGE gift E is to us.

I am tearful because today I look at myself and think how much better I need to be. How much I need to grow. I feel so inadequate. I feel so unprepared for the road ahead.

I felt this way one year ago as I held a 7 hour old baby- but something about that time seemed easier.
I needed to feed her, I needed to change her diaper and make sure she was warm. Her character was not really something I was concerned with at a few hours old.

I have to live a life that reflect strong moral character, love for God and kindness to others (the list goes on as I am sure you know!). The fruits of the spirit. YIKES!

I feel so inadequate.

Today I just need Jesus and his loving kidness to wash over me and remind me that just like I will guide E, God will guide me. Funny how what I feel for Elaina, God feels for me, except a MILLIONS times more.

Because of Jesus I am off the hook. I will choose to seek God on how to raise E. I pray his grace covers all my mistakes and that through our love for her, she chooses him. This next year seems more important than the last, spiritually.

I know one proactive thing I can do for both she and I: PRAY! All we can do is pray. Pray circle around our babies all day, all night. Its about leaning in. Getting closer. Going deeper.

I leave myself (and you) with this quote:
Prayer turns ordinary parents into prophets who shape the desinies of their children, grandchildren and every generation that follows ~Mark Batterson

beautiful

As I reflect on my last 12 months I cant help but think about the 9 before that. I loved being pregnant. I loved that my body did what it needed to (gainging weight & growing sweet Roo). I never felt more pretty; my body was doing what it was designed to do.

For many women it can seem like you're always (at least me) trying to eat better, tone up, lose weight, get heathy. When I was pregnant I was not so focused on the losing part. I was excited to eat well and let my body do its magic. I felt so free. I was able to losen up and relax. I gained 30 lbs and while I marveled at the scale I was proud that I was able to accept and be excited for that gain. It was for such a great reason.

There are times I wish I was pregnant again so that I would have an excuse for a little tummy (not perfectly toned) or a few extra lbs (not to make excuses). A reason to not be so harsh. A littel breathing room. Pregnancy didnt give me a license to be mindless and neglectful of my body but a chance to accept how strong and good my body is. I never had that Taco Bell Amy wanted me to have!

I know its a never ending battle for some women, and it may always be a struggle for me. Hoping I can learn to accept the wonder I am.

first

This week I was blessed with a beautiful book on my doorstep. Blessings for Mothers.

I have had a few tougher weeks lately and a thoughtful, loving friend, knew what I needed.

More Jesus! Redirection.

I feel God has been nudging me to go deeper and really take it up a notch.

The enemy thinks I should take it down.

God knew I needed encouragment and a loving shove in the right direction this week.

I know many days it seems that seeking God is more work. More time. And I 'don't have much time' these days, I tell myself.

God reminds me that my time is His time, and if I dont choose Him to take up my 'first time' all else will be out of sync.

I have been more peaceful, more restful and much moer filled this week.

Make time for the good things. Give God your first fruits of time. All else will fall into place.

Yours

Easter Day

There are moments that are sobering for me as a wife & mother. Last night as I was washing dishes Chris shared about a friend we knew from college who just had their 20 week ultrasound. They found out during their appointment that their daughter has Anencephaly, her brain has not formed fulled. Chris shared a post they wrote about how they are already seeing their precious daughter change lives and bring joy. Even in the midst of such heart break & devastation.

I continued washing dishes. Praying.

As I washed,God clearly asked me some questions. ' Do you surrender to the life I have for Elaina? Do you give all her days to me; even if that is a few or  many? Even when you dont know the plans I have for her!?'

Playing with my chickens

I want in my deepest places to be part of the life God has called Elaina to. Even if we don't know what that looks like. Sickness, health, life, death, joy, pain, the list  goes on.

This family I know, is pressing into Jesus and allowing their daughters life to be what God wants it to be; even if that's only 9 months in the warmth of her mama's belly. They were told she would only survive a few hours once she was born. 

I have tears as I write this because I am so blessed, so honored, to have a healthy little girl. God has entrusted me and I think this may be the first time I have actually said out loud, and with my heart, Jesus she is yours.

May I continue to say this everyday.

leanin'

park
chickens
ear infection, double ear infection
exhaustion
Instagram
Good Friday
dessert night for work
reading: families where grace is in place, sacred influence & same kind of different as me
lay in my bed
pinterest
nap time with mommy
boogies
gym: HIIT
Easter baskets
gardening
party prep
reading blogs
canceling on friends
doctor: physical
free coffee: only 2 days left
facebook
waiting for hubby
running
Psalm 8: daily reading
music
baking: oatmeal PB bars
swinging in the backyard


Oh, these are just a few of the things my week has consisted of.
Thankfully, this week has been a leanin' into Jesus week. I was so encouraged by this blog post by Sally (I always am!) I have praying through the things that take my attention and mind away from my calling as a mama & wife. We got rid of TV a few months back and I have to say, its been a great decision. I deleted a lot of my apps on my phone and our family has a no phone hour(s) from 6-9pm every night. We just have too many attention suckers in our  life!

I think as E grows she will know more and more and feel what I care about; her or my phone/computer/tv.
In this article Sally talks about mothers not having direction. Well I think, many people (moms) have direction, but its the wrong direction.

"When I look out a young moms today, I feel compassion, and I also feel that they are like sheep without a shepherd. Many long for direction and input and wisdom, help and support, a night of sleep, a couple of hours away—a small break from all the pressures, yet the mamas don’t know where to go to find this small bit of help."

I have been searching for the direction of our family, my marriage & my parenting. The direction that God has for us, not the world. So many times its easy to 'pin' a idea or a good thought or compare with others on what 'works'. But God is my director and I need him. Taking time to read his word and his thoughts, not pinterests. Although it can be helpful and fun, its not the ultimate word.

I am working on blueprints for our family- what do I hope to have built in 5, 10, 15 years? What are the plans I have in place. Like a house being built from the ground up, I need to plan (in these early years), prepare (with Gods word, support & discipline), and then execute the plan God has for us, all while listening to him as he directs us.

Sometimes it seems so daunting and scary. I get scared bc this little life is so precious to me and I want to treat it with the most honor and gratefulness that I can. What a beautiful gift.

All I can do is continue to lean into Jesus, his grace and mercy and his holy spirit (GLORY!) to lead and guide me.

whirlwind

I have a 10.5 month old little, bundle of bright, sunshine. Today I woke to her smiling ear to ear and laughing. She has started laughing at any and everything. Herself mostly! She is exploring a lot more lately, but still not tearing my house apart like I had thought, maybe this is coming!

I have started planning her birthday. Paris is the theme. Pink, Gold and Mint are the colors. We will serve quiche, crepe bar and Italian soda's. Yum!